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Catholic Northwest Progress
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August 16, 1901     Catholic Northwest Progress
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Ocean Giantess in New York ARRIVAL OF THE CELTIC, THE GREATEST SHIP AFLOAT. Althougfi 'a Few Feet Shorter Than the Oceanic, 8he Has Over Double the Carrying Capacity--40,000 Men Could Stand on One of Her Mam- moth Deck=. The massive White Star liner Celtic finished hot'maiden voyage from Liv- erpool and Queenstown, covering the course of 2,890 knots from the latter port in 8 days and 46 minutes at an average speed of 14.95 knots. Her en- gines worked smoothly and she was favored with pleasant weather all the way. Her • immense tonnage, 20,880 gross, and her great depth and beam combined with her huge keels make her the steadiest ship afloat. Her pas- sengers were hardly aware of her mo- tion during most of the voyage. The Celtic brought 245 first cabin, 100 Second cabin and 262 steerage pas- sengers, and R • small cargo. She can carry 2,859 passengers, Including 2,350 il, the steerage. The great ship, being lightly laden towered nigh above the line's pier shed and attracted much attention as she warped into her North River pier yes- terday" morning. She looked much like an enlarged Cymrtc. Although not the longest vessel afloat, she is the largest. She is 700 feet long, 75 feet beam and! 49 feet deep. The Oceanic is five feet l longer than the new giantess, but she measures less by more than 3,000 tons and has seven feet less beam. About forty thousand men could stand on one of her nine decks, known technically as lower orlop, orlop, lower, middle, mai, upper, bridge, upper bridge and sun decks. At her load draught the Celtic's displacement will be 38,220 tons. She has more than twice the cargo-carrying capacity of the Oceanic. When her engines limber up it is thought she will readily make the trip flora Queenstown in seven days. She was not built for speed, however, but for carrying. She Is from the yards o Harland & Wolff and the engines driving her twin screws are of the quadruple expansion type. By a sac- rifice of speed the Celtic's builders ob- tained great carrying capacity, com- fort for passengers and economy. She has bluffer lines and more length of fiat bottom than the Oceanic. She will have a smalleL crew by 115 and will consume about half as much coal. The Celtic's steerage is fitted in a style that would have been thought almost luxurious twenty years ago. Married couples and single -Women have separate cabins aft, and each of the open berths forward has a spring mattress. The steerage dining room is wide, high, bright and well vefftIl, ated. The stedrage passengers also have a smoking room and sitting room. Besides the ordinary staterooms in the first cabin there are suites consist- ing of bed, sitting and bathrooms for families. The" central rboms on the bridge deck have square windows in place of the familiar bullseye. In tlie first and second class quarters the floors of corridors, saloons and smok- ing rooms are laid with rubber intend- ed to prevent passengers slipping and to deaden their footfalls• The Celtic is commanded by Capt. H. St. G. Llndsay, formerly of the Cymrlc. She has a crew of seventy seamen, about 100 men in the engi- neer's department and 200 stewards. Frank C. Clark has chartered the mammoth liner for a seventy-four-day cruise In the Mediterranean to start from this pot on Feb. 8, 1902. WAS A WILD RIDE FOR THE SURPRISED MONKEY, Fire Boy=' Pet Tried Taking a Run • With the Chemical. The fire boys at station No. 2 in Heath's addition were treated to a rare sight yesterday afternoon. A monkey was going to a fire under great diffi- culties. About three months ago the boys at the station were presented with a mon- key, and he has become to fie quite a et with tile entire neighborhood. He makes regular visits to the neighbors, and Invariably comes home on the run, after being chased out of a house by a broom. Several times he has tried to get out to the fires, but has always been pushed off before the wagon left the station. Yesterday afternoon a call was received for a fire about half a mile distant. The chemical carries a ladder which projects some distance ehlnd the wagon. Mr. Monk perched himself on this ladder;, and before he was noticed the men were speeding on their way to the fire. The Jolts the wagon gave sent Monk into all kinds of contortions. First he was doing great swings on the end of the ladder, then he hung by his knees and spun around like a top. Finally he lost his grip and flew from the laddei into the air. Like a true acrobat, he caught the ladder as he came down and performed the swing over again. This performance was kept up all the way to the fire, Monk making desper- ate efforts to hold to that ladder and gritting his teeth as the swing of the wagon nearly pulled his arms out. The firemen hanging on the reftr of the wa- gon tried to reach their pet to help him, but could not, and they nearly tell off the wagon laughing at the unique performance. However, Monk went to the fire. It was only a grass fire. and the men soon returned. s soon as the station was reached, without any cercmony or as much as a thank you for the ride, he picked out the sumllest boy in the crowd around the station and took re- wmge--Spokane Chronicle. Grasshoppers in the Philippines. "One thing I have found out since coming to the Philippines," writes a Kansas boy, "and that is how to catch grasshoppers and prepare them for food. The Filipinos not only make l grasshopper pies and cakes, but they ,ound thent into powder and, steeping them in water, drink it. "There are several methods used by the natives for catching grasshoppers. The most effective ts the net. This is a large butterfly net, arranged with netting placed over a loop and "to the hitter is fixed a long handle. The na- tive takes this handle and, with the mouth ot the net toward the grasshop- pers, he rushes forth, bagging consid- erable numbers at a time. "Then we have the paddle method, which consists in using a long stick, to the end of which is fixed a piece of flat wood about ten inches in diameter. If tile grasshoppers pass over one's own property this method is used, for then all the grasshoppers killed by swinging this instrument through the clouds of grasshoppers as they pass over are dropped to the ground and can be pick- ed up at leisure. Another method con- sists in exploding cartridges in the midst of the swarm. After an effective explosion the ground is covered with them. But this ts very expensive and is seldom used. Grasshopper c adhing is a profitable business in the Philip- pines. They sell at $2a sack. "I never.saw a native eat a green grasshopper, but I have seen them eat the dried ones by the pocketful• The housewife in the Philippiaes takes con- siderable delight in placing a nice grasshopper pie before you. Great care is taken in preparing them, so that they do not lose any of their form."--Kansas City Journal. Wherever an illiterate caterer opens a chophouse where a man may come in contact with oiled oak "and musty ai', artificial cobwebs and Center dreet armorial bearings, he converts himself into a modern archaist and calls the den "Ye Olde Taverne." Ev- ery city where the English language is spoken and murdered has its brood of "Ye Old Tavernes." Strahge to tell, such places are patronized by the well Informed class. You meet in them nmn who read a lot, university men with and without degrees who have knocked about the world, and im- mensely clever fellows who have edu- cated themselves outside of work hours. And yet, brethren, every one of these pronounces "Ye" as it Is spelled, regardless of the fact that "ye" is Just: as much "the" as 'T' is "eye." There is only one "ye" in the English lan. guage, and it is the archaic personal pronoun of the second person, com- monly used in the plural. It is in- correct to invite a friend to dine at "Ye Old Taverns." Spell it "Ye," if you please, but pronounce it "The Olde Taverne."--Ex. The majority of people know that Boston was named for the little Eng- lish seaport town directly north of London at the mouth of "The Wash." But how many know how this little town came to have this name we all love so well? Many, many years ago, only 655 years after Christ, there was a very earnest English Monk named Botolph. He was given the choice of a location for a monastery, and, to the surprise of every one, chose a wild, unsettled re- gion near the sea, then called Icanoe. Here a monastery was built, and here the good St. Botolph lived all his life. The sailors and seafaring men knew of this kind-hearted monk, and often- times had reason to appreciate his kindly aid, for to every one in distress he was a father. Thus, when he pass. ed away the sailors made him their patron saint• HIS name,'"Botolph," meaning "boat help," lent a supersti- tious charm to his memory, and ere long seamen or vessels In distress were supposed to be under his care. A hundred years after, the monas- tery was destroyed by an Invasion of the Danes; but, when a little village took its place, St. Botolph was not for- gotten and the village by the sea was given his name. With centuries of use the name St. Botolph took many changes, thus: Bo- tolphtown, Botolston, Bostonton, Bos- ton. In 1309, when it was called Boston, a very beautiful church was built there, and called aSt. Botolph's church." There are now in England fifty churches dedicated to St. Botolph. John Cotton became the pastor of the Boston church. After a three years' pastorate John Cotton, with oth-I ors, became a Nonconformist, or Purl- tan, and left England to Join their friends, John Winthrop and others, in their settlement across the sea. This settlement was named Boston, in lov- ing remembrance of their home In England, and was destined to be one of tile most beautiful cities in the United States. So it is through the single-hearted piety and kindness of heart of the lonely English monk of Icanoe that we have every reason to be Justly proud. --Boston Journal. Lady( to departhtg servant) : What shall [ say In your reference7 Servant: Just that I stood It for six months with you, mum--that'll do for me.-- Pleasantries ot Paragrapl00ers Summer Boarders, "()h, nlllnllna, 1111111111111 !" hawle(l llle calf, "What's eomhlg through the yard':" "let" sttll, my child; you'll nlake me laugh, That's Mrs. lh)ulevard." "And does she bileT' "lhlsh, little coy,', There's nothing yea should feat'. ()f (,Olll'Se she does, or else, ] VOW, Site WOllldn'[ n(w be hire." "1)11, nlalnnla nlsnlnla '." ilelghed the colt, "])o tell nle, If you Call, What's that'., .... My dear, don't be a dolt; "l'hal's Mr. Cltynlan." "Aud Is he broke'." .... l'erlmps not yet; 'Tv¢IIt doubtless take some days, Bill .Yon call 1'1!81 assured, nly Itel, Ih' will be vehen he pays." "Oh. mantlna, lnanlma !" peeped the ehh.k, "What alls that creature's leg? tie acts so t'ulmy! Wllh a stick Hc tries to hit an egg." "Beware; !t ls a galllae!" The anxloua hen relllted. "Ills hose Is turned this wa', alaek 'We'd bettor 1"1111 and hhle!' .... Brooklyn IAfe. Mrs. Crimsonbeak--Now, I see they say there's snow on the moon. Mr. Crimsonbeak--Well, what's the use in worrying about that. There's a nmn there to shovel it, isn't there? Giving the Teacher Away. A School inspector, having a few minutes to spare after examining the school, put a few questions to the low- er form boys on the common objects ill the school room. "What is the use of that map?" he asked, pointing to one stretched across the corner of the room, and half a dozen shrill voices answered in meas- ured articulation: "It's to hide the teacher's bicycle sir ?"--Wasp. Wife (with determined alr)--I want to see that letter. that in society there are no noisy wed- dings." "But this was a quieter wedding than usual," replied the reporter. "In what way?" "The parties were deaf mutes, and they were married by the use of the sign language."--Leslie's Weekly. Get Acquainted With Yourself. Y(nl,lg 1111111 1he ltooks will hid you read The seers from Kant 1o Plato. l{ut gel acquainted with yourself, Yea are no snlall potato. And though you swing a blaekslulth's sledge (h' dig wllhln lhe trenches, Ilold up your head with 1hose lhal sit 111,oll tile highest benches. ()it, road the sages of the worhl And let their wisdonl win you; But get acquainted with yonrself Anti lind what yon're got 111 yott. In nlot]efit al•l'ogance Of SOlll Make your own vslllallon• Then slowly nmke the sluggish world Accept yonr estimation. Go, get acquainted with yourself Before ,onr leaf Is yellow: Yotl'll llml the man beneath 3"oar hal Is something of a fellow. Then stir him I)lll and prod him up Ih'fore his force has fahlted. Go, get aequahtted wolh yourself. Then tuake the worhl acqmlhlted. Then trusl tile man heneath your hat. And wht:n yell conic 1o know him, You'll find ii fellnv," lit to graee A novel or a poem. (h,, gel: acqlminte(1 with yourself, You'll find that very few are, For tssks for which you were designed. A hettel' man than you are. Yollng mau, the books will bid 3"Oll read The seers fronl Kant to Philo, Bat get acquainted with yourself, You are 11o small potato• ---Sam Walter l,'oss ht Boston Globe. Who Invented the Compa=s? It has been proposed by certain Ital- ian journals to celebrate next year the sixth century of the mariner's com- pass. This supposes the truth of the tradition that 'ascribes the invention of the compass in its present form to an Italian named Flavio Gtoia, a resi- dent of Amalfi, near Naples. An ar- ticle denying the truth of this tradition and asserting that we are nearer the ninth than the sixth centenary of the compass is contributed by Father Ber- telll to the Unite Catholica (Florence.) Says Father Bertelll: "The Italians A Ditticult Marine Exploit Shipped a New Shaft and Propeller While at Sea in the North Pacific, When the Norwegian steamship Guernsey finally turns up at this port or at Vancouver, B. C., where she is to load, her nmster and engineer will find themselves famous, for, according to reports, they have succeeded in per- forming one of tile most remarkable feats ever attempted in marine engi- neering on the high seas. Advices irom Victoria state that they have succeeded in shipping a new shaft and propeller in mid-ocean. The feat was accomplished by another of the Pacific Lumber company's chartered fleet, the Oak Branch, in the South Seas, a num- ber of years ago but the seas are not so heavy down in the tropics as they are in the North Pacific and the work of the Guernsey's officers is without an equal oil this side of the world. The story of the remarkable work out in midocean with the big ship rock- ing and tossing helpless in the swells, is thus told by Captain J. W. Elk- strand, master of the Japanese steamer Kaga Maru, which spoke the ressel in her disabled condition: On July 1, at 11:15 a. m., when in latitude 46 degrees north and in longi- tude 169 degrees 40 east, he sighted a steamer broad on the port bow. Notic- ing, also, that she was not under con- trol, he altered his course and bore down on her. On approaching the tramp the latter signalled that she would send a boat on board, and short- ly afterward her captain came along- side. He stated that the vessel was the Norwegian steamer Guernsey thlr teen days out from Muroran and bound for Portland, Ore. They had broken H s  celtainly introduced from China the their tail shaf and 1 t u band--What letter I " t ost heir propeller, Wife--That one you jtmt opened.. I use. of the valuable directive property, and the. condition of the helpless vow iknow by the handwriting that it's from oJ the magnetized needle. In all prow sel ht consequence was grave in the i a woman, and you turn pale when you ability we owe this discovery to the extreme. Fortunately, under recent re it I wil ] Amalfltans but toward the tenth con re ulations of the undo ad . 1 see it. Give tt to me, , " g rwrlters, which !sir." tury, not at the beginning of the four- compels such vessels to carry an extra [ 'Hsband--Here it is. It's your roll-teenth. We owe also to them the ira- shaft and propeller, these were on l liner s bill.--Fun, provement of the rough Chinese in- board, 6ut the difficulty of shipping! strument which consisted of a mag them w s o I •  , . "= a s great as to be almost In- He Wouldn't Be Busy netized needle floating on the water surmountable I "Let me see the funny paper" urged ln a vessel (in Ila^blss?o WThhnC: , Favored by the calm weather and] ' th LJJttJLtJL,tJ Utall UUUOuz.y the little one. "But I'm looking at it," replied her father. "Oh, well," she returned, "you can look at it after supper, for you don't have to go out to play."--Chicago Post. How They Did It Long Ago, Grandma lold me all about It, Told me, so I couldn'l doubt it. llow she danced--=my grandma danced Long ago. flow she held her pretty head, tlow her dainty skirt she spread, How she turned her little toes-- Smiling little haman rose! Long ago. Grandma's hair was bright and sunny Dimpled clSeeks, too--ah, how funny! Really quite a pretty girl, Long ago. Bless her! why, she wears a cap, Grandma does, and takes a nap Every single .day, and yet Long ago. Grandma danced the minuet, Now she slls there, rocking, rocking, Always knitting grandpa's stocking (Every girl was taught to knit, , I,ong ago) ; Yet her figure Is so neat:, And her way, so staid and sweet, 1 can almost see her nnw, Bending to her partner's bow, I,ong ago. Grandma says our modern Jumping, Hopping, rushing, whlrlhlg, bumping, Would have shocked the gentler folk Long ago. No--they moved with stately grace, Everything In proper place, Gliding slowly forward, then Shtwly cmlrtesying back agalu, bong ago. Modern ways are quite alarming, Grandma says; but boys were charming Girls and boys, I mean, of course-- Long ago. Bravely modest, grandly shy-- What If all of us should try Just to feel like tho who met In the graceful minuet, Long ago. With the minuet In fashion, Who could fly Into a passion? All would wear the calm they wore •  Long ago. ' In the "time to come, if I. perchan'ee, Should tell m gr6adchlld of our dance, [I should really like to nay, i"Ve d|d It, dear, In some such way, Iug ago. • --Exchange. Aa it Seemed to Him. "I suppose," said Broncho Bob to the eminent tragedian, "that you knew i what you were talking about when you said that all the world was a stage." "Have you any doubts on the sub- Ject?" "Oh, no; not worth arguing over. Only, having ltved in CHmson Gulah so many years, I must say it reminds me more of a shooting gallery."-- Washington Star. Not the Honey He Wanted. "Frank Anderson was for years a well-known commercial traveler who made Galena. He was passionately fond of honey, and the proprietor of tbe Galena hotel, at which he always stopped, always had some on hand for him. On one trip Anderson took his Wife along, and as he approached Ga- lena he mentioned to her that he was getting to a place where he could have honey. When the pair were sitting at the supper table that night, no honey appeared, and Anderson said sharply to the head waiter. 'Where is my honey?' 'fine waiter smiled and said: 'You mean the little black haired one? Oh, she don't work here now?' "Kan- sas City Journal. Appropriate. "I (to not like the expression, 'A quiet wedding,' Mr. Schipps," said the editor to his new reporter, "You know essential improvements are as follows: The introduction of the pivot, the di- vision of the limb into degrees and the application of the 'rose of the winds' to the needle it- self. The compass thus perfect. ed became a new instrument, adapted to the navigation of the high seas. Of tlese important modifications, the two first at least were in use in Italy much earlier than 1300. The fact is shown by the most ancient Italian marine charts and by the use of the compas in the form of a 'graphometer' in the twelfth century in the copper mines o Tuscany. Here the compass was used in laying out galleries, as appears from the records of these mines still preserved in the state archives in Florance."--Marine Journal. The Green Lake cars are large cars, but they are not large enough by half to accommodate all the people who i want to ride on that line, especially on Sunday nights. Last Sunday even- ing people hung on wherever they could get a hand or toe hold. In passing a pile of cordwood one man's head came dangerously near being damaged, whereupon another male passenger yelled: "Look out there, man! Great heav- ens, you came near having your head taken off! Be careful there. Don't put your head out again. Gosh, that was a close call." And in this strain he kept it up. But the man who was in danger never said a word. Finally when a stop had been made, he got off and, coming back to where the interested one was, quietly said: "This is my head, ain't it? .... Yes." "Well, don't you cackle so much about it, If I stick my head out and ot it taken off don't you throw all kinds of fits around here, for I don't belong to your lodge and you won't have to pay any assessments on me. Now, I'm going ahead .again, and if I want to stick my head out I'm going to do it. See? And wlien I do do it, you Just shut your eyes and your mouth at the same time, for if you don't I'm coming back here and make trouble for you and your folks. NObody ain't appoint- ed you my guardian and the com- pany's got money on hand to pay the damages. So you get busy keeping quiet." With this he went up to the front again and looked like a man who could ride Into town In peace.-- Seattle Standard: A Wandering Buoy. Something unique in sea trips was that of the bell buoy which was sta- tioned off Cape Canso, Nova Scotia. It broke adrift and went all the way across the Atlantic, and nearly into the English Channel The buoy was a little owr a year in making the trip. The skippers of vessels were often luzzled to hear the bell far out at sea. The buoy was sighted thirteen times, and was last seen 600 miles off Eng- land.--Marine Journal. The Summer Girl (to her compan- ion,-What do you suppose it Is, dear- est, that makes the sea murmur so? Testy Old Gentleman (who has on- countered a moonllght couple In every secluded nook along the shore)--Lord, miss, you'd murmur if you had to hear all the sentimental rot the sea hears! --Detroit Fress Press. quiet sea, however, the captain decid- ed to make the attempt. The ship be- ing In ballast, the cargo was moved forward until her bow was deep in the i water and the stern was elevated until ithe propeller shaft was clear of the water. Rafts were improvised and the nine-foot propeller lowered. The prc peller shaft'was placed in position without great dlfilculty, but the swell of the ocean and the crude appliances at hand made the task of shipping the huge screw almost mountainous. Re- peated attempts only resulted in fail. ure, until finally, by the skipper's or- ders, two opposite blades were cut off. Thus lightened the screw was at last got into position, and Capttain Krog- hanson expected to get under way with his dual-bladed propeller the following day.--Portland Oregonian. THE GOVERNMENT'S STRONG BOX The New Vault in Wash!ngton for the Safekeeping of Million=of DolI WASHINGTON, July 14.--Late Sat- urday evening the last steel plate was put in place sealing up the new vault which Uncle Sam has Just finished for the storage of his money. The new vault is in the northern wing of the Treasury building and exactly over the slte of the old State Department build- ing. It is twenty feet square and Its steel walls rise twelve feet in height. It will be used by the issue division of the department, of which Mr. Watson W. Eldridge has been chief for the past thirty years. The vault was plac- ed where had formerly been the office of the clerks of the division, two win- dows being closed for the purpose, and a large door entering the corridor be- ing bricked up to make It secure. The only method of entering the new vault will be through the old one just be- ¢ond. The old vault has been in use foi" more than thirty-four years and is now literally gorged with money, Yester- day the old vault contained $135,000,- 000 in bank notes. They were piled on a rough stand in the center and in cases rose to the steel-covered ceiling so that two men cannot pass each oth- el in moving about inside. A gallery four feet from the floor of the vault has made it possible to reach the pack- ages of money stored near the ceiling. The old vault long ago became too small for the needs of the issue divis- ion, and the chief has been obliged to borrow the use of a vault in the base- ment from the treasurer of the United States, who complains that the capac- ity of his vaults is sorely taxed by the demands made upon them. It is difficult, tf not impossible, to locate the vaults from outside the bnllding. Al- though solid masonry and sheets of steel protect them on the street side false windows have been allowed to remain, and between the glass on the inside and the walls of the vault proper hang window curtains of the same shade as those in other windows, These windows are thirty feet from the level of the street in front of the Treasury Department building.. The i curtains of the old vault windows have been imprisoned in this manner for the period of thirty-four years since they were first sealed in. In the new vault there is a perfect arrangement of steel pigeon holes which the packages of bank notes .... • : !. regulation size easily slide. The new vault will be turned over to Messrs. Davenl)ort and Bri.ggs, the two vault guards, who tor years have guarded the government notes which the old vault contains. Neither of the men is able to enter the vault without the oth- er. No one else is allowed to enter without being present. During the thirty years in which Mr. EldHdge has been ill charge of the Issue division not a note has been stolen or mis- placed. In that period about $2,000,- 000,000 has passed in and out of the doors of the vault. Before his incum- bency a colored messenger named Schureman secured a package contain- ing $12,000, which he had been ordered to carry to another division, in 1869, and walked off with it. He was cap- lured later and most of the money re. covered. About twice a year all the money la tim vaults of the division is counted. Fifteen expert counters, all women, are employed at the wdrk. They are se- lected for their expertness from dlf- terent divisions of the department, and do not know of the duty to which they will be assigned ten minutes before be- ing ordered to go to work. It requires three weeks for the fifteen counters, working sevep hours a day, to count the money in the vaults. There are approximately 4,100 national banks in the country, and a supply ot money is kept on hand for every one of them. It is the intention of the government, after the new vault is ready, to greatly Increase the supply of bank notes on hand. An order to this effect has been sent to the bureau of engraving and printing, which is now enlarging tta capacity. In times when money ia scarce, the demands on the issue di- vision of the treasury department are great. Under normal conditions the di- vision sends out supplies of notes to 200 banks each day. In 1893, during the panic, there was a sudden demand on the division for $40,000,000 in notes, but as there was not more than $5,000,- 000 on hand, the banks had to wait from thirty to sixty days. This caused a great hardship to the banks interest- ed and the department has tried to ob- viate this condition since. No bank can get the notes in lots of less than $500, and the shipments average from $5,000 to $50,000 for each bank. The redemption division of the treas- ury department receives the old notes of banks which must be redeemed by the government as soon as they show the wear and tear of much handling. The redemption division keep= these wornout notes on hand, sorting them out until it has at least $500 for eacK of the banks, and then it orders the is- sue division to issue new notes. The old ones are destroyed by the "de- struction committee," which is one of the standin features of the depart. meat. The old notes are macerated and then sold to souvenir companies who shape the pulp and fragments of notes into designs showing the out- lines of the capitol, the department buildings or Washington monument, and sell them to visitors at the capi- tal.--St. Louis Globe-Democrat. Otto and the Auto. 'Tis strange how fashion makes us change the objects we admire; .... We used to sing the tireless iteed, but now the steedless tire. So Otto bought an auto, so as not "* to be antique, But the thing was autocratic, As well as automatic, And the auto wouldn't auto as it ought to, so to speak. He thonght to get an auto)perator for t he work; And first he tried a circus man and then" he tried a Turk, For he knew the circus man drove fifty horses with success; And if a man be shifty Enough to manage fifty, It's palpable enough he ought ta manage one horse-less. As for the Turk, 'tis also plain, deny it if you can, He ought to run an auto, since a Turf'a. an Ottoman. 'Twas all no use, so Otto moved to- Alabama, purely That he might say: "I'm Otto, From Mobile,. and my motto: "A Mobile Otto ought to run an automobile surely." Then Otto sought to auto on the autc as he ought to, But the auto sought to auto as Otto' never thought to. So Otto he got hot, oh, so very hot! as he ought not to. And Otto said: "This auto ought to auto and it's got to," nd "Otto fought the auto, and the auto it" fought Otto, Till the auto also got too hot to auto as it ought to, And then, Great Scott! the auto shot to Heavenso did Otto-- Where Otto's auto autos now as Otto's auto ought to. --Edmund Vance Cooke in the Smart Set. "No." said the doctor, "I haven't vot- ed yet, and I am not going to vote. I am not feeling welt today. Isn't that a valid excuse?" "Not at all." responded the profes- sor severely. "That's an invalid ex. cuse."---Chicago Tribune. "Uncle Jei'ry." asked his down town relative. "bow do you ltke your ver- micelli soup?" "The soup's good enough." replied Unclie Jerry from beyond the suburbs, "but it's a lot of bother to have to take in out all these strings."--Chicago Trll of une.